shala_beads (shala_beads) wrote,
shala_beads
shala_beads

Writer's Block: The long and winding road

Are there any difficult events in your past that made you a stronger person today? If you could go back and erase them, would you?

Yes, of course there are. Some of them truly sucked. Sucked like the theoretical black holes that galaxies revolve around.
Some I learned from, some I simply survived. I still have scars, some visible, some not. I can't sleep naked, and the doors have to be locked for me to feel safe. The back door of my house is nailed shut because it's too close to our bedroom. And those aren't the worst fears. The ones that I cry over, the ones that are a constant struggle to overcome were caused by something else. That deep seated fear that maybe I really am an absolutely horrible person and that everything good in my life is just luck that I don't deserve.
I wouldn't change a line. Not the scars on my face or the scars on my heart. Because for the most part, except when those spiders are spinning lots of webs in my head, I love my life, and getting to this point took all that crap in the past. Finding, and realizing what I had in Michael, my children, my family and my friends. Having a goal and a direction in life, having all that came from everything else. Why risk it being different? Because I don't know exactly which choices and situations got me here, and I wouldn't risk here and now for anything.
So all I can say is sorry to past me, sorry, even if I could save you the pain, I won't. Because when it's done, there are good times ahead. Times when you're doing more than having fun occasionally, when for the most part, you will be happy. Not enough people find happy and you deserve it.
I deserve it.
Tags: writer's block
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